5 Outstanding Qualities Of True Friends And How To Be One

In 1981, Carolyn and I moved to Vista, California to start a new church. Through mutual friends we met Phil and Virginia Feliciano and asked them to pray about joining us as founding members.

CC Image courtesy of Jose Tellez on Flickr

They prayed and made a commitment. Soon we met in their living room with 13 people for the first Sunday of our church.

The next three years proved to be quite challenging as conflicts erupted and many left the small church. However, the Feliciano’s remained faithful. I would not have blamed them if they had left. But, they kept their commitment and in time the church grew. What faithful friends they were.

They stayed until Virginia died and Phil moved away almost thirty years later.  

We are more connected than ever through the internet and social media. Yet many live lonely, isolated lives. God created us to be relational yet it seems that true friendship is uncommon.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But, pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!”

Friends pick each other up and strengthen each other. The lonely and friendless have a distinct disadvantage.

But how can we develop true friendships? The best way is to be a true friend, like Barnabas whose remarkable friendship qualities are recorded in Scripture.

Here are five qualities of true friends we can learn from the life of Barnabas and apply:

1. Be an Encourager

“One of the believers was named Joseph. The apostles called him Barnabas (this name means ‘one who encourages.’) He was a Levite, born in Cyprus. His real name was Joseph but he was called Barnabas which means “one who encourages.” (Acts 4:36 NCV)

Barnabas had a reputation and was therefore nicknamed “the encourager.”

Like him, God wants us to encourage others: “Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another.” (Hebrews 10:25)

People crave encouragement. If we encourage sincerely, we will make friends and be a great friend.

2. See Potential in Others and Reach Out

When the great Apostle Paul first became a Christian it was Barnabas who introduced him to the other apostles (Acts 9:26-27). They were afraid because Paul had been a well-known persecutor of Christians. Barnabas believed in Paul’s potential, befriended him and vouched for his transformed life.

Great friends see the potential, the good, and the reasons to believe in others. They reach out in friendship.

3. Share Generously

Barnabas was remarkably generous: “Joseph [Barnabas] owned a field. He sold it and brought the money, and gave it to the apostles.” (Acts 4:37 NCV)

Barnabas realized a need and responded sacrificially. Imagine selling a piece of property and giving all of the funds to others. That’s what he did.

“While they were worshiping the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said, ‘Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them.’ So after they had fasted and prayed, they placed their hands on them and sent them off.” (Acts 13:2-3 NIV)

This first missionary trip began the spread of the Gospel westward. Barnabas, along with Paul, sacrificed by leaving his familiar surroundings and suffering hardships and persecution so that others could learn about Jesus.

Many reading this article are part of this heritage of the spread of the Gospel westward. We are eventual beneficiaries of Barnabas’ generously by sacrificially spreading the Gospel!

“For he was a good man, full of the Holy Spirit and of faith. And a great many people were added to the Lord.” (Acts 11:24 ESV)

4. Put Friends First

In Acts 13 when Barnabas and Saul first set out on their journey, it is clear that Barnabas was the missionary team leader. His name is mentioned first. He had been Paul’s mentor and he led the way.

However starting in Acts 13:13 Paul’s name comes first and that order continues through the rest of the account.

Barnabas willingly took second place as he recognized the leadership gifting of his mentee Paul. He exhibited true grace and humility.

In his famous book How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie wrote six practical actions for being a great friend by putting others first:

• Become genuinely interested in other people

• Smile

• Remember a person’s name and use it

• Listen well and encourage others to talk about themselves

• Talk in terms of the other person’s interest

• Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely

5. Be Faithful Even when it Costs You Greatly

Eventually Paul and Barnabas went their separate ways in ministry (see Acts 15:36-41). Interestingly, they parted company over Barnabas’ insistence on welcoming back a missionary team deserter named John Mark.

Barnabas’ faithfulness as a friend to John Mark cost him his friendship with Paul.

Was such faithfulness the right thing to do? Yes, as proven by the fact that later John Mark once again assisted Paul in ministry (see 2 Timothy 4:11) and wrote one of the four Gospels, the Gospel of Mark!

Which of these five qualities do you want to put into practice today? (You can comment below.)

Ministry vs. Secular Calling Pros And Cons

I have worked in a Christian work environment virtually my entire career. My first ministry job was working at WMBI radio station in Chicago while I was in college, doing sound effects for radio drama. On cue I would close the door, or use the shaker to make rain sounds and so on. Once I played guitar for a radio drama theme song.

In 2009 it was my great privilege to visit the largest church in the world in Seoul, Korea

I understand nonprofit structures and operate fairly well within the systems. But my friend Sandy Orzel recently switched from the secular work world to become the full time Executive Director at our church (New Song).

I asked Sandy to share some of the differences between ministry and secular work that she is seeing after about seven months into the transition:

Pros of Ministry:

1.      I am working toward something far more important than I could ever do in the secular world. (Even working in healthcare where you are physically healing people doesn’t compare to being part of spiritually healing someone).

2.      There is cooperation among churches. I have been amazed to see how willing executives at other churches are to share their knowledge, procedures, programs, etc. Also, the sharing of a common goal leads us to all pray and want what is best for other churches.

3.      I am surrounded by people who truly care about me and my family and who I truly care about.

4.      I get to pray at work as much as I want.

5.      There are a lot of people in ministry who have wide varieties of talents (i.e. Pastors who know marketing, volunteers who know graphic design, etc.) and they are willing to utilize in addition to their regular jobs or serving.

Cons of Ministry:

1.      Things sometimes take a long time to get done (which I am working on)—for example, I have never been at a job for over 7 months without business cards.

2.      Disciplinary action can be difficult because there is such a sense of family rather than business.

3.      Written policies and procedures are far behind the secular world (at least where I came from).

4.      Working weekends sometimes makes it hard to stay connected at home with family.

5.      Past companies I have worked for were large enough to have strong IT departments.

I am grateful to Sandy for sharing her helpful observations.

Here are my thoughts about this subject, for those who dream of ministry or getting out of it:

Bloom where you are planted

It is easy to think the grass is greener and easier on the other side no matter which side we are on. Every job has challenging aspects.

Younger people often enter ministry thinking it will be a continual spiritual high and that nothing will seem like real work. In fact, ministry work has much in common with the business world: there are bills to be paid, phones to be answered, financials to be analyzed, and policies to be created and implemented.

Make the most of where you are. Be like the Apostle Paul who wrote,

“I’ve learned to be content in whatever situation I’m in.” (Philippians 4:11 GW) 

Salvation Doesn’t Mean Sainthood

We naturally expect more of Christians. But the fact is, believers are continually in the process of maturing, and sometimes the process seems very slow.

So don’t be surprised or dismayed in yourself or by other Christians. Instead, take the advice given to Timothy:

“Set an example for other followers by what you say and do, as well as by your love, faith, and purity.” (1 Timothy 4:12 CEV)

It’s All About Your Calling

The most important issue is God’s calling. What is God calling you to do?

Sandy experienced a very significant decrease in income when switching jobs. But following God’s calling was the key issue, not her salary. So remember, whether your job is secular or in ministry, , seeking God and following His call is the critical issue.

How do you determine God’s calling? My best advice is to get alone with God and seek Him and His will for your life. For help in how to do that see HERE and HERE.

6 Strategies To Handle Insults Without Becoming A Doormat

Early in my ministry I encountered a church member who thought it was OK to say whatever he thought about me as the pastor. One day in a church meeting he spoke up and said something very demeaning.

CC Image courtesy of hobvias sudoneighm on Flickr

I was shocked. Ironically his wife was extremely sensitive and would get offended at the slightest issues.

Stunned and not knowing what to do, I let it slide. But in retrospect, I am convinced that it would have been better to have addressed the unkind words. By not doing so he got the wrong message – that his behavior was acceptable. A friend later told me that he wished that he had spoken up as well.

It’s not that I was above criticism. The problem was the place and the tone in which he expressed his displeasure.

We can’t control what others will say but, we can learn how to respond well.

King David also had to learn to deal with negative comments.

2 Samuel 16:5-7 says: “As King David came to Bahurim, a man came out of the village cursing them. It was Shimei son of Gera, from the same clan as Saul’s family. He threw stones at the king and the king’s officers and all the mighty warriors who surrounded him. ‘Get out of here, you murderer, you scoundrel!’ he shouted at David.”

6 Strategies to Handle Insults:

1. Bear the Insults and Refuse to Retaliate

“And David said to Abishai and to all his servants, ‘Look, my own son seeks my life; how much more now may this Benjaminite! Leave him alone.’” (2 Samuel 16:11a)

Like David we should:

• Keep our cool. (Proverbs 15:1)

• Turn the other cheek. (Matthew 5:39)

• Refuse revenge. (Romans 12:19)

2. Take Some Time to Consider Three Questions

Ask yourself:

• Are these constructive or destructive comments?

• How would God want me to respond?

• What can I learn from this experience?

3. Respond Properly to Unkind Words

Remember: “A gentle answer turns away rage, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

• Plan to speak to the person in private.

• Don’t gossip about them.Thank them and request they share future concerns with you privately.

• Make them aware of your feelings and perspective.If there is no common ground, amicably agree to disagree.

• Forgive them even if they don’t deserve it, request it, or receive it.

4. Remember God is in Control

David said “and let him curse, for the Lord has told him to.” (2 Samuel 16:11b)

David had confidence that God was still in control and even Shimei’s cursing was under God’s prompting and control.

Through insults God may be:

• Directing us

• Teaching us

• Correcting us

It is tempting to forget that God is sovereign when we are insulted. But He is still on His throne and working all things together for good (Romans 8:28)!

5. Live for an Audience of One

We may be offended because our self esteem is based on admiration from others.

But living to please people is futile:

• Everyone has their own opinion.

• Some people are never happy.

Our focus should be on pleasing God, not people. “What I want is God’s approval! Am I trying to be popular with people? If I were still trying to do so, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10 GNB)

6. Trust God for Restoration

David said: “It may be that the Lord will look on the wrong done to me and that the Lord will repay me with good for his cursing today.” (2 Samuel 16:12)

David responded correctly and trusted God to reward him someday.

God is always able to repair the harm that has been done. We must pray, wait, trust and watch for the Lord to work.

Remember that God is:

• Faithful

• Just

• Good

• Kind

The “Prince of Preachers” Charles Spurgeon said, “Get your friend to tell you your faults, or better still welcome an enemy who will watch you keenly and sting you savagely. What a blessing such an irritating critic will be to a wise man. What an intolerable nuisance to a fool.”

If you found this post helpful, you might also benefit from my blog “3 Steps to Overcoming Betrayal and Building Trust Again.”